GRANDMA

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It was very difficult growing up with an entire family straight from the Soviet Union.  A lot of people don't understand what that was like.  I could never complain about lines!  Whatever shit I had going on in my life, they had worse.  When I told my grandmother I had my own apartment but it was really small, she would say, "own basthroom?  Mister Bigshot! In Russia we share basthroom vith everyone!"

when i was little my grandma would tell me about how cute I was, I dont mean to brag… she'd be like, "You ugly, ugly baby."  This, coming from a woman who's gotten more work done than the entire NYC subway system.  Her face lifted so many times her forehead starts at her kneckline!

She is the same woman who came to my 20th birthday and told one of my friends, "I hope you live to see day you look good as me!"  Cause apparently everyone looks good with shrimp hanging from their mouth!  She's the type of woman, to paint the picture, who would often die her hair to match her dress.

She also taught me that no one is ever too cool to wear a vest.  She has a different color vest for every day of the week.  I would ask her to tell me stories about the old country so she did.  I would ask her to tell me scary stories with monsters.  She would say, "You vant monsters, in Russia we have no monsters, only people who take away people vee love in middle of night, for 20 years you sthink alive in jail.  Die Zthat day, never see papa again."