Friday, September 27, 2013

Catholic Guilt revisited freewrite

I am Jewish.  Don't pretend to be surprised.  People often lie and pretend to be surprised, like they have cateracts or something.  The most common question people ask me is, "Where in New York are you from?"  To which I respond, "The part that's in Los Angeles.  Go fuck yourself, we aren't all from there."  If I had a dollar for every time I was offered a Kosher meal on a flight, I wouldn't have to do standup.  I get it though, I look like what would have resulted if Woody Allen fucked Jewish.  I understand it.

I was raised Jewish.  We weren't the New York Diamond District/"Stranger Lives Among Us" staring Melanie Griffith type.  We were the type that ate bacon for breakfast, complained at every single restaurant but god forbid you went to school on a Jewish holiday because that was when we went to Indian Casinos.  What I am saying is we were Jewish for the holidays.

As a Jew I must say I am proud of our accomplishments.  Levi Strauss invented jeans, Edwin Herbert Land invented inexpensive filters which made photography affordable and too many other things to mention.  Another thing we can agree on is that guilt had to be invented by a Jewish person, cause it's free and lasts for generations.  There we were for THOUSANDS of years.  We had the branding and PR where everyone knew guilt was our thing!  Then there was a PR glitch that got people to think we had horns which was embarrassing, then Catholics come up with Guilt the Remix.  Catholics are like the Puff Daddies of guilt.  There is a difference between Catholic and Jewish Guilt.  One is real, the other isn't.  Second you can't say Hale Marys to get out of Jewish shit, you can write a check though.

A great example of Jewish guilt:  When Catholic kids get pregnant, what happens?  The poor girl gets kicked on to the street.  When Jewish girls get knocked up, what happens?  They keep 'em in the house to remind when what they did wrong for their entire life.  Then the bastard grows up with, "you know what your mother did?  She could have had a doctor, now we'd settle for a mortician."

Another great example of Jewish guilt is Bar Mitzvahs.  Jews are the only people that force their 13-year old boys to perform for their entire family, friends and anyone who will listen.  This, while their wiener and voice control everything.  

... More to come...

No insurance in life.

Man, being broke sucks.  Trust me.  I know.  I am the only person who was ever actually fired for stealing toilet paper from work.  Correction, getting caught stealing toilet paper from work.  Imagine me with toilet paper all over the place, in my shirt, pants and stuff I looked like one of the Clumps in an Eddie Murphy film.  I was told it just "wasn't a good fit."

In this economy it's hard.  Shit gets real when you find yourself bargaining in Chinese restaurants!

I know it may be hard to believe but this job, standup, doesn't offer benefits.  There isn't a 401K or insurance.  This makes going to the doctor like the a game of "Price is Right."  Shit gets real when you have to pick between dinner for the next month or your health.

About a week ago I was stuffing my face with a gallon of my favorite cookie dough ice cream, like you do...  when the spoon hit the cardboard of the carton.  I was more depressed than I was watching Shindler's list...  Then my filling just fell out.  I wasn't chewing.  That shit just plopped out of my mouth.  Even though I'm broke, I went to the dentist and asked if she could replace it.  Yes, my dentist is a she and wears stilettos!  Suck on that. I am a man of the 21st century.  She tells me that I should get a crown instead of simply re-filling the tooth.

Knowing that I don't have insurance she says, "normally it's $1,500 but for you $1,000."  What the fuck?  Now she's bargaining with me?

I respond say, "I'll stick with the filling."

She says, "It's just a bandaid to a larger problem, the cap would help."

I tell her, " I'll stick with the bandaid."

She says, "a good smile is priceless."

I say, "At this point I'll settle for replacing my teeth with chicklets.  While we are talking about things I would like but can't afford, I would like a mouth full of the whitest veneers money can buy.  Not the cheap shit but the crap the Real Housewives get.  I them so white and big that my smile burns viewer's corneas.  Until that happens, I'll settle for a fucking bandaid."

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