Friday, July 22, 2011

"Stage Presents"

Come to our show!
""Stage Presents," at the Elbo Room, August 1st, is a comedy show featuring 6 of the biggest names in the Bay Area comedy scene. It will be brought to you by Vladimir Khlynin and myself, the guys who are producing the wildly successful "Recovering Commies" comedy series. Several of the featured comedians have birthdays within a few days of each other. They figure, may as well make a large shindig. It's a birthday party and we want you to come! This show will include Janine Brito, recently featured in 7x7 and San Francisco Punchline regular. And headlined by Ali Mafi, who has been featured in two comedy specials on LOGO and tours nationally featuring for Aisha Tyler in the "Queens of Comedy' tour. Tickets are available at: for $7 and $12 at the door. For more info go to

Friday, July 15, 2011

You apparently can't tell someone their kids are ugly

I want to start off by prefacing this entry by saying that all of my friends and family have beautiful children and there is no such thing as a completely ugly child. I also drink a lot.

Lately I have been surrounded my seemingly fertile people. They are popping babies left and right. This may also be a sign of armageddon, I digress. What makes this situation more difficult is not the fact that straight people can have kids at the burst of a condom, while gays have to work, lie and be judged just to get just considered for the role of parent. It's the fact that people with kids, gay or straight always seem to need reassurance at all times. They have to ask leading questions like my opinion even matters. I should not be where one gets their guidance for anything. I am the guy that laughs at funerals.

They always have to ask crap like, "isn't he adorable?"

I never know how to respond. There are only so many ways to say, "he has so much character." Or "he sure is something." Or my favorite "I'm sure he has a great personality."

My mother says that I can't talk negatively about children. She says that I can't call babies ugly. The truth is some babies are ugly. Some babies take a while to grow into their faces. Some babies look like Alfred Hitchcock, Carl Malden or Bert from Sesame Street. Some kids are adorable as children and then grow up to look like they've been run over by a railroad. That's the way the cookie crumbles and that's okay.

While each child is beautiful in their own way, depending on if you have cataracts, less classically attractive (nice way to say ugly) children/people have the upper hand in life. They are the ones who run the world. Overly beautiful people get the world handed to them and sit in the passenger's seat. Beautiful people, I think have a tough time when they get older and their looks fade. They have a harder time assimilating than the rest of us who are used to working at all aspects of life based on other characteristics. Moderately attractive to ugly people really have to "keys to the jeep" as Missy Elliot says. They learn how to survive this based world on their own merit, character and riding by the seat of their panties.

No one will ever say "oh that Bill Gates, he is soooo HOT." The only part of him that's hot is his wallet. Intelligence, kindness and being a person with contributions to the world are the truly "adorable" of the world. Physically, who gives a fuck what you or your kids look like?

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

Strangers always ask me the weirdest things to me. I was on a BART train earlier today, cause I'm rich. This stranger comes up, stares me straight in the eye and asks, "are you Jewish?"

Without missing a beat, I respond, "are you blind?"

I guess I should have mention that I am holding a penny-saver while this was going down.

People tell me all the time that Judaism is just a religion and not a race. I say otherwise. If Judaism is just a religion, then why do strangers on a daily basis ask me if I'm from New York? Or if I like Bagels and lox, which I don't. Or offer me their Kosher meals on flights. Comedian whom I don't know, constantly stare at me whenever telling any holocaust jokes cause I, Jewie Mc Jew-Jew face must be the moral compass of such a joke. I am the same person that laughs at funerals. I should be no one's moral anything.

Whenever people hear my name, Yuri, there is always one question that follows. "Jewish?"

Why do they have to ask if my name is Jewish? Is it because I have a curly storm of hair that screams "yes, I am circumcised?" I don't get it. No, my name is NOT a Jewish name, not that there is anything wrong with such. Even though I have a face that that makes one miss their bubie, want to run out and buy a Challah bread roll, even though my name is not Jewish. It's not even close to a Jewish, Yiddle-yeedle name (that is the sound that comes into my head at the mention of Jewish things). My name is what resulted from Barbarians and Vikings both raping and pillaging the Russian country-side. What I'm getting at is to stop being so racist and jumping the gun people. If it walks like a duck and talks like a duck it could just be someone that looks like a duck in a duck costume.

Tuesday, July 5, 2011


LA Friends & Family,

Please come and see me live July 13th at the amazing Flappers Comedy club in Burbank! It's a comedy competition, so I need your support!

Can't wait to see you!

Here is a link to purchase tickets:

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