Wednesday, June 12, 2013

New Bits About Your Mom.

Bit I'm working on:

My mom created a Jdate profile for me.  It's like with larger hair, bigger noses and lowered expectations.  She sends me profiles for people she thinks are appropriate for me.  It's like, "mom, 55 and in jail?  How did you know what I wanted?"

Often when I tell people that my mom made a Jdate profile for me they think I'm saying she's trying to fix me up with a woman and she isn't.  Here is the difference between a Gentile and a Jewish mother.  Come out to a gentile mother, you get tears.  Come out to a Jewish mother and get, "HE BETTER BE JEWISH!"  That's it.

My mom is funny.  To paint the picture, she's the original Aunt Jackie.  She was single most of my life. She was also the worst cook ever.  Her cooking was the type that made one think, well anorexia has merit.  The type that made me thankful as a kid for domino's.  Her cooking was so bad that.....(one day that will have a punchline...   In the 80s cause everyone was doing it she would microwave everything.  There as microwaved chicken.  Why not just feed me rubber?  I started cooking at the age of 7 mostly because I was hungry.

My mom had her 4 good dishes: scrambled eggs, boiled potatoes, french fries and chili with hot dogs.  As Jews we could never be accepted as white trash, but we sure tried.

About a week ago she sends me a photo on my phone of reads, "Chicken Masala I made."  It was like finding out Santa Made his own toys.  I asked her and said, Mom, how come you never cooked like that when i was a kid?  She says, "I'm happily married now!  I feel like cooking now."  I was like who wants to be happy?  No one wants you to be happy.  Not to sound like a 90s lesbian but look at Alanis Morissett, her first major album Jagged Pill.  It was huge.  Name one happy song that she has out.  Hard to do because we hate happy.  Besides marriage necessarily isn't happiness.  I think that planning a wedding is like planning a car accident.

I don't get the stuff they tell you about to keep you from having pre-marital sex.  "Why would you buy the cow if you could get the cow for free?"  Why the fuck would I buy a cow?  What happens if you save it till marriage just to find you're lactose intolerant?  Then you'll have to switch to a goat... Just goes to prove that pre-marital sex is a choice, being lactose intolerant isn't.

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