It has been a while since I have posted. The question one may ask is why it has been so long since my last post? I have been working like crazy to get ahead. I will be following up in a few days with comedy videos to show as a result. I recently found out some good news. I will be performing in San Francisco's 2014 Sketchfest comedy festival for 2 shows. More news soon to come...
I am tired of people blaming booze for their problems cause it doesn't make sense. Last night I go out with some friends to a bar. Then there is that friend. You know the one. Once they have a drink they blame every wrong move for the rest of the night on booze. That's not fair. I wouldn't blame Sake for Pearl Harbor or Tequilla for stealing American Jobs or Gin for Ann Coulter. In the end, people need to stop blaming booze for their problems and take responsibility for their lives! Blaming booze does not take liability off of you. If it did, you would see more birth certificates with Vodka listed as the father.
I have this friend. I have known him for years. Him and his husband have been together so long that technology has invented new ways for other people to get laid that didn't exist before like Grindr... Anyway, I love this friend to death but sometimes he says stuff that just confuses me. I am at his house watching crap TV, talking about life, then he says some shit. "Hey Yuri, I have some dish I made last night, put too much garlic in it. You're single, go ahead and stink. Take it with you!" What? Who says that?
I ignore the awkwardness in the conversation and move on. Another 10 minutes come by and he tells me about some big party him and his partner had the night before. I ask why I wasn't invited. He says, "Yuri, it was all couples... A bottle of wine a couple, you know... You would look like an alcoholic with an entire bottle to yourself." What? I'm thinking to myself no I wouldn't.
Everyone has a friend like this. He gets oddly competitive about anything that may possibly challenge his relationship. "Yuri, how's that dating going? Never getting that intimacy that me and my man get?" Me, "Yeah its awful, jumping from bed to bed and being able to sleep with a different person whenever I want instead of getting that shitty day ja vu feeling every time I get up...
If you're wondering how I am doing, I am just working away. Since stand up surprisingly doesn't provide benefits (big surprise) I still bartend. I work at a restaurant in San Francisco. It was just another night like many other nights when a guy like many other guys before him sits at my bar and orders himself dinner. He is in his late 20s with the most perfect eye brows I have ever seen. He tells me he was waiting for his boyfriend but would like the fettuccine Alfredo. He sits there waiting for his guy for the next 20 minutes. He is one of those that has to mention that he is waiting for his boyfriend a bunch of times to remind you he has one. Every 2 minutes, "my boyfriend" this and that. I get it, you know how to settle! Eventually his boyfriend gets there. He looks like a man in his mid 40s who looks like he hasn't found booze he didn't like (just judging by his face). So crater face sits down and starts mumbling to fettuccine.
After 2 minutes of conversation they started to fight. Threw their dinners off of the bar and go at it fighting. This offends me. Not because they are fighting but because they were doing wrong! It looks like an "In Living Color" sketch, literally slapping hands. No fists. No black eyes. Lots of calling each other names like, "bitch." Just cause you gay doesn't mean you can't fight like a man!
I am Jewish. Don't pretend to be surprised. People often lie and pretend to be surprised, like they have cateracts or something. The most common question people ask me is, "Where in New York are you from?" To which I respond, "The part that's in Los Angeles. Go fuck yourself, we aren't all from there." If I had a dollar for every time I was offered a Kosher meal on a flight, I wouldn't have to do standup. I get it though, I look like what would have resulted if Woody Allen fucked Jewish. I understand it.
I was raised Jewish. We weren't the New York Diamond District/"Stranger Lives Among Us" staring Melanie Griffith type. We were the type that ate bacon for breakfast, complained at every single restaurant but god forbid you went to school on a Jewish holiday because that was when we went to Indian Casinos. What I am saying is we were Jewish for the holidays.
As a Jew I must say I am proud of our accomplishments. Levi Strauss invented jeans, Edwin Herbert Land invented inexpensive filters which made photography affordable and too many other things to mention. Another thing we can agree on is that guilt had to be invented by a Jewish person, cause it's free and lasts for generations. There we were for THOUSANDS of years. We had the branding and PR where everyone knew guilt was our thing! Then there was a PR glitch that got people to think we had horns which was embarrassing, then Catholics come up with Guilt the Remix. Catholics are like the Puff Daddies of guilt. There is a difference between Catholic and Jewish Guilt. One is real, the other isn't. Second you can't say Hale Marys to get out of Jewish shit, you can write a check though. A great example of Jewish guilt: When Catholic kids get pregnant, what happens? The poor girl gets kicked on to the street. When Jewish girls get knocked up, what happens? They keep 'em in the house to remind when what they did wrong for their entire life. Then the bastard grows up with, "you know what your mother did? She could have had a doctor, now we'd settle for a mortician." Another great example of Jewish guilt is Bar Mitzvahs. Jews are the only people that force their 13-year old boys to perform for their entire family, friends and anyone who will listen. This, while their wiener and voice control everything. ... More to come...
Man, being broke sucks. Trust me. I know. I am the only person who was ever actually fired for stealing toilet paper from work. Correction, getting caught stealing toilet paper from work. Imagine me with toilet paper all over the place, in my shirt, pants and stuff I looked like one of the Clumps in an Eddie Murphy film. I was told it just "wasn't a good fit."
In this economy it's hard. Shit gets real when you find yourself bargaining in Chinese restaurants!
I know it may be hard to believe but this job, standup, doesn't offer benefits. There isn't a 401K or insurance. This makes going to the doctor like the a game of "Price is Right." Shit gets real when you have to pick between dinner for the next month or your health.
About a week ago I was stuffing my face with a gallon of my favorite cookie dough ice cream, like you do... when the spoon hit the cardboard of the carton. I was more depressed than I was watching Shindler's list... Then my filling just fell out. I wasn't chewing. That shit just plopped out of my mouth. Even though I'm broke, I went to the dentist and asked if she could replace it. Yes, my dentist is a she and wears stilettos! Suck on that. I am a man of the 21st century. She tells me that I should get a crown instead of simply re-filling the tooth.
Knowing that I don't have insurance she says, "normally it's $1,500 but for you $1,000." What the fuck? Now she's bargaining with me?
I respond say, "I'll stick with the filling."
She says, "It's just a bandaid to a larger problem, the cap would help."
I tell her, " I'll stick with the bandaid."
She says, "a good smile is priceless."
I say, "At this point I'll settle for replacing my teeth with chicklets. While we are talking about things I would like but can't afford, I would like a mouth full of the whitest veneers money can buy. Not the cheap shit but the crap the Real Housewives get. I them so white and big that my smile burns viewer's corneas. Until that happens, I'll settle for a fucking bandaid."
About me: I am a comedian / writer. If you would like to see clips of me doing standup search my name on Youtube.com. Also, feel free to email me about bookings and any other related questions.
About the Blog: I suggest to start at the first entry and to go from there (the order doesn't matter). My original idea for this blog with the goal of using this as my creative outlet. I hope that those who read my words will find them to be funny, sarcastic, interesting or at least subtly amusing. I will use this blog to post short stories I have written along with commentaries related to my daily life here in San Francisco. I appreciate other people's constructive reflections/criticisms of various stories that I post. Even though I have survived many years of schooling, I am aware that my grammar and spelling are on par with a 5-year-old at times. I apologize for my fragmented sentences, comma splices and so on ahead of time.