Thursday, January 31, 2013

Performance piece I am working on

I am not a political comic.   I try not to get into it on stage cause really I don’t give a shit about your opinion.  My dad calls me on the night right after this last inauguration and is like, “Guess what?”

Me, “What?”

Him, “We made it!”

Me, “Made what?”

Him, “We got elected!”

Me, “What are you talking about? You don’t even vote.”

Him, “They finally let someone like us into the white house!”

Me, “Someone like us?  Obama’s nether Russian nor Jewish, what the fuck are you talking about?”

Him, “They finally let someone like us, of color into the white house!”

Me, “Dad we are Russian Jews.  If anything, we are the opposite of being people of color; we are the people of no color.  While some people tan, we ignite.”

What I should explain about this conversation is that my father, like most Russian men thinks he’s black.  He dresses like a white, bald Sinbad at all times.  He is best known for his neon squiggle pants and random mid-90s hardcore gangster rap quotes.  He is the only white, 5’7 and ¼ inch tall Jew that was in the middle of the LA riots for no fucking reason. 

            My father is at some random liquor store in the middle of south central purchasing his cigarette of choice, (the following must be said with a Russian accent) Benson Ultra-Lights.  There is a some black dude working the counter who tells him, “Honkey, you need to get the fuck out of here, it’s not safe for you.”

            Good old dad doesn’t miss a beat and says “Honkey? Where?”
My father grew up in the former Soviet Union.  Like most immigrant parents he would try to use American expressions but would fuck them up.   I would come home from school and be upset that my head was too big for my body and that I was fat.  As a kid, I was so fat, I was what was eating Gilbert Grape.  I had to shop in the Husky section, which they may as well have called, “the you wont be able to find your penis until you turn 25 section.” 

My dad would pat me on the back, look me straight in the eyes and say, “Yuri, hand me my Benson Ultra-Lights! (Cough) Zthey aRRn’t laughing vith you, zhtey are laughing at you.” Light his cigarette and make me watch boxing.

My father would make me watch boxing all the time.  He still does.  As a kid I hated it.  This was his way of ensuring I wouldn’t come out gay.  He figured I would learn everything necessary to be a man from watching muscled, sweaty guys duke it out, round after round.   That’s like making a fat person watch the food network and then asking them how their diet is going.  Point is, at around 14 I realized that boxing was something both of us could enjoy but for very different reasons, if you get what I’m saying…  I spent a lot of time at that age pretending to have diarrhea as a result.

Wednesday, January 30, 2013


     What's going on?  It's been a while since entries.  I've been decompessing, writing and trying to get shit done.  I am currently working out the final kinks of my book with a talented friend/copyeditor.  There will be more information on that soon.  
      I have been working with a talented comic Awet Teame on our "INS Comedy" shows.  We most recently had a show at the San Francisco Punchline which was a success with headliner Ali Mafi.  Martin Short ended up being in the audience which made me shit myself right before my set.  In the end it was a great show and we are looking forward to the next.  More about INS' future shows will be coming shortly.  We are settling venues, lineups and dates, which is like catching lightening so that may be a while.
     I've started entertaining every Tuesday night at a bar in San Francisco called "Soda Popski" at Larkin and California Street.  If you are in the area and looking for fun drinking game please stop by.

Tuesday, January 8, 2013

New bits

Here are some new bits I'm working on/ a free-write:

So, recently I ran into the person I lost my virginity to.  It was awkward.  I never know what to say in that situation, like say hi or pretend they are a homeless person and ignore them.  What do I say?

"Excuse me. You may not remember me. I was the one who asked if the condom made me look fat... You said kinda.'

It's weird.  A part of me wants to invite them over. It's not because I really want to sleep with them but because I want to show that I've learned some things since then.  Shit had changed! Things come in 3D now and I now know what you meant by that and no I'm not into that.

Other punchline options (I want to try using 2-3 of them in a row):

-I now know that it's not okay to ask you partner to move their head so you could I could see who's on Conan

- I now know what you meant by wrong hole, this isn't golf!

- I now know it's not appropriate to ask about the mole on my shoulder during sex

- I now know that it's not appropriate to call it a weenie

-I now know that's normal and some of them DO look like that.

- I now know not sing the star spangled banner when climaxing...


I'm not really one to talk about politics but my dad calls me on the night of the election.  He was like, "We made it!"
"Made what?"
"We are in the whitehouse!"
" Dad you don't vote and Obama's neither Russian nor Jewish."
"They finally let a person like us of color in the whitehouse!"
"Dad, if anything, while others tan, we ignite.  We are the direct opposite of people of that.  We are the people of no color."

What I should explain is that my dad like most Russian men think he's black.
He was the only Russian Jew in the middle of the LA Riots for no real reason. During the riots he goes to a liquor store to get his Benson Ultra-Lights.

The clerk says, "Honkey you need to get the fuck out of here.  It's not safe."
My dad says, "Honey?!? Where?"

INS Comedy Presents: "Coming to America"

Come to our next show!

I am producing a show with Awet Teame called: I.N.S. Comedy Presents, Coming to America on January 23 at 8pm.

Featuring  headliner Ali Mafi from several LOGO specials
Guy Branum from Chelsea Lately
Yayne Abeba from Last Comic Standing
 Noel Elgrably from The Sultans of Satire
Awet Teame from Total Blackout

Call the San Francisco Punchline comedy club directly to get tickets without fees: (415) 397-7573.


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