New bits

Here are some new bits I'm working on/ a free-write:

So, recently I ran into the person I lost my virginity to.  It was awkward.  I never know what to say in that situation, like say hi or pretend they are a homeless person and ignore them.  What do I say?

"Excuse me. You may not remember me. I was the one who asked if the condom made me look fat... You said kinda.'

It's weird.  A part of me wants to invite them over. It's not because I really want to sleep with them but because I want to show that I've learned some things since then.  Shit had changed! Things come in 3D now and I now know what you meant by that and no I'm not into that.

Other punchline options (I want to try using 2-3 of them in a row):

-I now know that it's not okay to ask you partner to move their head so you could I could see who's on Conan

- I now know what you meant by wrong hole, this isn't golf!

- I now know it's not appropriate to ask about the mole on my shoulder during sex

- I now know that it's not appropriate to call it a weenie

-I now know that's normal and some of them DO look like that.

- I now know not sing the star spangled banner when climaxing...

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I'm not really one to talk about politics but my dad calls me on the night of the election.  He was like, "We made it!"
"Made what?"
"We are in the whitehouse!"
" Dad you don't vote and Obama's neither Russian nor Jewish."
"They finally let a person like us of color in the whitehouse!"
"Dad, if anything, while others tan, we ignite.  We are the direct opposite of people of that.  We are the people of no color."

What I should explain is that my dad like most Russian men think he's black.
He was the only Russian Jew in the middle of the LA Riots for no real reason. During the riots he goes to a liquor store to get his Benson Ultra-Lights.

The clerk says, "Honkey you need to get the fuck out of here.  It's not safe."
My dad says, "Honey?!? Where?"
.....