Friday, September 27, 2013

No insurance in life.

Man, being broke sucks.  Trust me.  I know.  I am the only person who was ever actually fired for stealing toilet paper from work.  Correction, getting caught stealing toilet paper from work.  Imagine me with toilet paper all over the place, in my shirt, pants and stuff I looked like one of the Clumps in an Eddie Murphy film.  I was told it just "wasn't a good fit."

In this economy it's hard.  Shit gets real when you find yourself bargaining in Chinese restaurants!

I know it may be hard to believe but this job, standup, doesn't offer benefits.  There isn't a 401K or insurance.  This makes going to the doctor like the a game of "Price is Right."  Shit gets real when you have to pick between dinner for the next month or your health.

About a week ago I was stuffing my face with a gallon of my favorite cookie dough ice cream, like you do...  when the spoon hit the cardboard of the carton.  I was more depressed than I was watching Shindler's list...  Then my filling just fell out.  I wasn't chewing.  That shit just plopped out of my mouth.  Even though I'm broke, I went to the dentist and asked if she could replace it.  Yes, my dentist is a she and wears stilettos!  Suck on that. I am a man of the 21st century.  She tells me that I should get a crown instead of simply re-filling the tooth.

Knowing that I don't have insurance she says, "normally it's $1,500 but for you $1,000."  What the fuck?  Now she's bargaining with me?

I respond say, "I'll stick with the filling."

She says, "It's just a bandaid to a larger problem, the cap would help."

I tell her, " I'll stick with the bandaid."

She says, "a good smile is priceless."

I say, "At this point I'll settle for replacing my teeth with chicklets.  While we are talking about things I would like but can't afford, I would like a mouth full of the whitest veneers money can buy.  Not the cheap shit but the crap the Real Housewives get.  I them so white and big that my smile burns viewer's corneas.  Until that happens, I'll settle for a fucking bandaid."

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