I LOVE TO EAT rant

I was the chubby kid that sat in the back of the class.  I was so fat I was what was eating Gilbert Grape!

I had to shop in the husky section.  Why not just call it the you won’t be able to find your penis until you turn 25 section?

It was awful.  I would get teased.  Urine-bitch-tits Kagan is what they called me.

Then eventually I lost the weight, gained a vendictive side.  The thing is you can’t get rid of the fat kid inside.

I am the only person who when they lost their virginity said “does this condom make me look fat?”  My partner in action said “yes!”

You know you have a problem when you find yourself lying to the clerk at 7-11 about who your buying all 5-ice ceam bars for.  “Yeah the kids are all gonna love these.  Such a sweet tooth!”  Then you compulsively eat them in 5 minutes flat.  Now that is Jewish Guilt in action.

I am a compulsive eater.  I would be bulemic but as a Jew I could never throw money down the drain literally.  I could though eat something out of the trash.  Don’t pretend you haven’t done it!.... This rant will eventually go somewhere.

For a period of time I was a Personal Trainer.  I like to help others feel just as bad about themselves as I do.

Catholic Guilt is BS

    Let me start off by saying that I was raised Jewish.  We weren't the New York Diamond district, "Stranger Lives Among Us" with Melanie Griffith type.  We ate bacon on Saturday morning, shrimp for lunch but God forbid you went to school on a Jewish holiday.  That's when we went to Indian Casinos.  So what I am saying is we were Jewish for the holidays.

    I am tired of Catholics complaining about guilt.  See  Jewish guilt is of a different ilk.  You can't say Hale Marys to get out of it.  If anything we invented it!  You can't come around what a 1000 years later and claim it.  What's the point in being Jewish if you can't complain or put guilt on someone.  That's our thing.  Look we think Hasidic Jews are crazy too.  But normal Jews don't kick their kids out for getting pregnant.  NO!  They keep them around to remind them what they did wrong until the end of time.  "You know what your mother did with you father the bum?"

      You think Catholic Guilt is worse?  All Jews have a relative who has said the following, what my grandmother would say, "I hope to live to see the day that I can dance at your wedding.... But I'll be dead!"  Then when you get to my age the bitch is still around.  It's like die already!  Jews will make you feel guilty for what you've done, what you will do and what you're even thinking.

            Average Jews don't care about gay either.  If anything they indirectly welcome it.  Jews don't directly welcome gays but they they don't tell them they are going to hell.  If anything they still guilt them into having Jewish children.  Ever meet a Jewish lesbian?   Tell a good anti-semetic joke around them then cry as your face meets their fist.  They are the power Jews.  Organizing Jewish minglers cause of guilt! They get with a goysha (gentile) and somehow they still raise their kids Jewish.  THAT is Jewish guilt in action.  Eventually this bit will lead somewhere.
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     I am sick of people acting surprised when I say I am Jewish.  They say, "wow? Really?"  Shut up with the really shit.  Before I opened my mouth you offered me bagels, lox and asked where in New York I was from.  When I said the part that's in LA you got pissed.  Really?  They say Judaism is just a religion.  If that's true, why is it that every flight I go on they offer me a Kosher meal before I open my mouth?  Look I get it.  I look like what would have resulted if Woody Allen fucked a Jewish woman (working on a better one but you get the point).
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     Still on the Jewish topic.  The best part of being Jewish is that no one ever asks for me to help them move.
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grandma

    As a kid it was hard growing up with an entire family straight from the Soviet Union.  I could never complain about lines!  Nothing was okay to complain about, whatever I had bad, they had worse.

Me: "Grandma my teacher is mean to me!"
Grandma: "My teacher turned in my best friend to KGB, get over it."

I was afraid of of everything.  My grandma always had a way to make me feel better.  She would say, "Yuri, there is nothing to fear but EVERYTHING."

As a kid I loved swimming.  I would spend morning, noon in the pool.  I would only swim in the shallow end.  My grandma asked why, I explained "there are monsters in the deepend, they scare me."
Grandma says, "Yura no monsters in this country only people who make you get creditcards at young age so you covered in so much debt you cant swim out, then one day when family need burry you they have to sell on black market to pay for funeral."... Needless to say I had no problem swimming in the deep end.