Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Marriage rant and maybe a comedy set?

I always hear people talk about the Sanctity of marriage which in itself doesn't make sense. Sanctity is derived from the word saint and off the top of my head I can't think of a single saint that was ever married, but I digress.

Everything seems to be ruining the "sanctity of marriage." Let's blame everyone else for our problems. It seems to be the way of the times. Example: Tiger Woods, Sex addiction? Really? Really? The rest of us double-click, clear the browser history and move on with our day.

Everything is apparently harming the "sanctity of marriage" like the government, the gays, double-sided stick tape! Everything gets blamed for ruining marriage. What's ruining marriage is marriage, lets get real. What about people like Larry King who gets a new wife with every heart bi-pass? Or Elizabeth Taylor who has collected husbands the way I used to collect unused condoms that had expired in my wallet since I obviously have a booming social life.

One thing I never heard talked about is the "sanctity" of divorce. What about the affect of Marriage on the institution of divorce? Where are those stats? Actually, the number one cause of divorce turns out to be weddings... Get this, everyone who has been divorced has had a wedding. Coincidence? I think not.

I have decided that we should make it easier across the board. I don't think that anyone should ever get married! I also think that getting married is an important commitment, should be taken seriously and is not the time to be tweeting pictures of you and your boo's stuff all over the Internet. Demi and Ashton, that comment was directed to you.

Marriage is a time where you apparently only have sex with the same person for eternity why anyone would sign up for that, I don't know. It's at least a 3-5 year commitment and should be treated with respect. If it doesn't make it past the 3-year itch, I want my wedding gift back. $100 dollars on a wedding gift, are you kidding me?

Then the people who get the gift have the never to say this "how'd you know what I wanted?"
To which I respond, "it was on your registry."

Where is my gift for not getting not getting knocked up, actually going to college, not saving it till marriage, and having 2.5 ugly and or fat kids? What would happen if people actually registered for being unmarried? I would love to be send out an invite, "I'm 30, unmarried, registered at Nieman Marcus. It's their 'I have goals and aspirations registry."

I think that getting married is like scheduling a car accident.
You may as well say “hey ma, no airbags.”

What is it about getting married that instantly turns people into ass-holes? They make u watch the side-show of their wedding or honeymoon. Listen, no one wanted to see a wedding slide-show, not even the people who were in it. The rest of us use Facebook to keep score of who got fat and so forth instead. They always have to work in references to being married or engaged into every sentence.

"Have you met my HUSBAND? My WIFE and I... My FIANCE and I just came back from Italy... I hope that one day you can be as happy as us."

Just cause I'm not married doesn't mean I can't live in sin!

Then I hear people get brainwashed into marrying for "tradition." That doesn't make sense either. I wouldn't buy a car without anti-lock breaks and power steering just because that's what my dad and his dad did.

More propaganda they always tell people. "Why get married when you can get the milk for free?" (Which I agree with completely)
I usually respond though with, "why marry someone who has saved it until marriage?"

What if you wait until marriage only to find out that ur partner's milk has curdled up or even worse, they are lactose and tolerant? Or what if they spit the milk & avoid it more so like a common whore?

What is it about marriage that makes men sound like Vietnam vets? You ask a buddy how their wedding planning is going… they talk like they are shell shocked when you ask them how they are doing…

“um, ah it’s too painful to talk about man, she’s making me get a manicure.” As you see them oddly in a wheelchair with a french-tip manicure rolling away.

If you do choose to get married, you shouldn't complain about it. Especially not to your fruity best friend, hair dresser, wedding planner, power lesbian boss, or any other gay person. A wedding is stress you choose and we all have seen enough Lifetime specials to know what happens to Tori Spelling and her oddly spaced boob-job in the end. Complaining to gays is like being that guy in high school who complained about getting laid while the rest of us just had to lie about it.

People always think that just cause I'm gay I must want to get married. Just cause I'm gay doesn't mean I'm good at it. It also doesn't mean that I have to want to get married. It's about equality and having the same rights as every other American. That having been said, this Prop 8 in limbo fiasco has been really confusing for me. For the 8 hours gay marriage was legal I had to figure out a new excuse to tell my mother why I can't marry Jewish.

I have been in a relationship for about a year and a half which is equal to about 20 straight years. While gay marriage was illegal, the BF and I would always joke about getting married. We would be watching a romantic movie, he would turn to me ask me to marry him sarcastically. I would wipe the sweat off my brow and laugh with a sarcastic "too bad we can't," which was always the greatest way to get out of the situation. Then a day came where we played this game again. We watched "Never Been Kissed" for the millionth time. After 5 minutes of working on our Drew Barrymore impersonations, I turned to him and jokingly asked him to marry me. I had no idea that prop 8 was overturned a few hours before. Then the BF turns to me with a huge smile and agreed. Needless to say, I didn't go home for a few days until gay marriage was put back in limbo. Thanks California for giving me more time to work on my commitment issues!

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