my friend joe

     I have a friend Joe.  To keep his annonynimity we will call him that because his name is Joeseph.  Joe and his partner have been together for years.  They have been together so long they call good dinner conversation seperate vacations.  I don't know why they call eachother partners.  Neither one of them is in business together.  Anyway has a way of putting things that I just don't understand.  I get to his house, we watch T.V., kill a bottle of vino and just shoot the shit like normal.  As I am about to leave he offers me tomato sauce he made.  "I made it too garlicy and it makes me gassy.  You're single, you can bloat." I let the coment slide, laugh and leave.

     Next time I hang with Joe he tells me about some dinner party he's planning.  He tells me about the food and who's coming.  I then ask why I have not recieved an invitation.  He says, "Yuri, it's going to be all couples.  Each couple brings a bottle of wine.  You don't want to look like an alchy drinking a whole bottle."What?  Who says that.

    A few months later I am in a few months into a relationship.  I hang with Joe again.  He asks me how my love life is going.  I tell him it's great getting to know someone in this way.  He asks, "Yuri, how does it feel not knowing if he will be there tomorrow and constantly knowing will this last?  I remember that feeling."

     After years of being in the same relationship.  You know, years after the arguments over who sleeps on what side of the bed, Joe starts getting all competive.  "So, still doing it all the time?  After a while you won't need that reassurance and your relationship will feel stable if it makes it like ours."...

(rant to be continued... Any suggestions for direction?)

Hooters and Booze revisited

     A buddy of mine decides he wants to take the punge and get married so we take him to my favorite pleace in the whole world, Hooters.  My other buddy is with us.  For the sake of this story we shall call him Mike, because that's his name.  Mike walks up to a waitress.  He pinches her ass.  She smacks his face.  He walks away and says, "fucking Lesbian!"

When he gets back to the table I say, "Mike, you can't do that."

He says, "I'm a little drunk."

Me, "A little drunk?  You've has a drink..."

I hate people who once they have had even a drop of booze they blame every wrong move they make for the rest of the night on booze.  It doesn't make sense.  I wouldnt blame Sake for Pearl Harbor, tequilla for stealing American jobs or gin for Ann Coulter.  I woud do the last one.  Not sure why.  That's besides the point.  you can't blame booze and take liability off of yourself.  I wish that's how life worked. If it did I think filling out a birth certificate would go like this.

A nurse asks, "Excuse me ma'am can you spell out the father's name for the birthcertificate?"

Mom, "Um.... V-O-D-K-A?"

Nurse spells the name back to himself, "Is that a Scandanavian name?"

What's new?

   It has been a while since I have posted.  The question one may ask is why it has been so long since my last post?  I have been working like crazy to get ahead.  I will be following up in a few days with comedy videos to show as a result.  I recently found out some good news.  I will be performing in San Francisco's 2014 Sketchfest comedy festival for 2 shows.  More news soon to come...

Dating and Drinking

DONT BLAME BOOZE!

     I am tired of people blaming booze for their problems cause it doesn't make sense.  Last night I go out with some friends to a bar.  Then there is that friend.  You know the one.  Once they have a drink they blame every wrong move for the rest of the night on booze.  That's not fair.  I wouldn't blame Sake for Pearl Harbor or Tequilla for stealing American Jobs or Gin for Ann Coulter.  In the end, people need to stop blaming booze for their problems and take responsibility for their lives!  Blaming booze does not take liability off of you.  If it did, you would see more birth certificates with Vodka listed as the father.

friends

I have this friend.  I have known him for years.  Him and his husband have been together so long that technology has invented new ways for other people to get laid that didn't exist before like Grindr...  Anyway, I love this friend to death but sometimes he says stuff that just confuses me.  I am at his house watching crap TV, talking about life, then he says some shit. "Hey Yuri, I have some dish I made last night, put too much garlic in it.  You're single, go ahead and stink. Take it with you!"  What?  Who says that?  

I ignore the awkwardness in the conversation and move on.  Another 10 minutes come by and he tells me about some big party him and his partner had the night before.  I ask why I wasn't invited.  He says, "Yuri, it was all couples... A bottle of wine a couple, you know... You would look like an alcoholic with an entire bottle to yourself."  What?  I'm thinking to myself no I wouldn't.  

Everyone has a friend like this.  He gets oddly competitive about anything that may possibly challenge his relationship.  "Yuri, how's that dating going?  Never getting that intimacy that me and my man get?"  Me, "Yeah its awful, jumping from bed to bed and being able to sleep with a different person whenever I want instead of getting that shitty day ja vu feeling every time I get up...

(more to come)

This one Gay Couple....

If you're wondering how I am doing, I am just working away.  Since stand up surprisingly doesn't provide benefits (big surprise) I still bartend.  I work at a restaurant in San Francisco.  It was just another night like many other nights when a guy like many other guys before him sits at my bar and orders himself dinner.  He is in his late 20s with the most perfect eye brows I have ever seen.  He tells me he was waiting for his boyfriend but would like the fettuccine Alfredo.  He sits there waiting for his guy for the next 20 minutes.  He is one of those that has to mention that he is waiting for his boyfriend a bunch of times to remind you he has one.  Every 2 minutes, "my boyfriend" this and that.  I get it, you know how to settle!  Eventually his boyfriend gets there.  He looks like a man in his mid 40s who looks like he hasn't found booze he didn't like (just judging by his face).  So crater face sits down and starts mumbling to fettuccine.

After 2 minutes of conversation they started to fight. Threw their dinners off of the bar and go at it fighting. This offends me. Not because they are fighting but because they were doing wrong! It looks like an "In Living Color" sketch, literally slapping hands. No fists. No black eyes. Lots of calling each other names like, "bitch." Just cause you gay doesn't mean you can't fight like a man!