Thursday, January 5, 2012

Stupid questions/ joke dump

Whoever said that there is "no such thing as a stupid question," was a fucking idiot. People ask dumb questions all the time. For instance, I'll bump into an acquaintance at the gym. The type of person you make plans to go to a dinner with all the time that you both know you'll never go to.

They walk up to you at the gym and ask, "what are you doing here?!"

I respond, "trying to figure out world peace, what do you think I'm doing?"

Then there is the odd thing of how men say hi to each other at the gym. Many men go beyond the customary head-bob, waving or even saying hello. They walk up to each other and start talking about their workout routines for no reason, when no one asks. I'll be working out minding my own business and a guy will walk up to me and start talking.

"Today is legs day. I was out of the gym for the gym for a while cause I was sick. If it wasn't for the cyst..."

Shut up men, no one asked you or cares. You aren't an athlete any more, get over it. Move on. You're retired. Workout to work on your daddy issues just like everyone else!

After the gym, the next annoyance is going to a restaurant and bumping into someone there. The same stupid questions follow.

"Oh my god! What are you doing here?!? You eat?"

Then there are the questions people ask me personally around the holidays. I have lived looking the way I look my whole life and know I look Jewish. Other people pretend they don't notice it, but I'm not that dumb. Anyway, people ask us Jews the dumbest shit around the holidays. They tell us Happy Holidays, but what we all mean is Merry Christmas. They always ask me what Santa got me for the Christmas and I always get sick of explaining so I came up with a new answer.

My new response, "nothing, he's an anti-semite."
My mom is obsessed with fixing me up now. She always sends me profiles on Jdate for people she wants me to date. It's like mom, he is 55, 450lb and lives with his parents! How'd you know what I wanted?

She is on this new kick too. She always asks, "what about grandkids?"

I try to explain to her, "mom I'm gay, kids don't come out of there, trust I've tried."

My mom is always in my business about who I date. She was upset when I was dating a Mexican guy. When she found out he was Israeli, she proposed to him!

Truth be told I have been in a relationship for a long time. So long that technology has invented new ways for other peopel to get laid besides the customary "hello" us gays have gotten used to, Grindr. It's an ap with essentially GPSdick. The idea is okay, until you go to a bar and see 5 men not talking to eachother but on their iphones messaging each other. It takes the fun out of bar hopping, flirting and hoping to get date raped.

My boyfriend and I have been together so long that it's brought new meaning to the word celibacy. Sorry, I meant monogamy. Just kidding about that... We are essentially like male lesbians, but we still have sex.


  1. Nice post Yuri! My roommate asked me in all seriousness if I wanted to put a menorah up next to her Christmas tree. I found it funny. I told her "No thanks" and then went back in my room to count my bag of shekels.

  2. thanks for the comment. i thought i replied a while ago.



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