In my experience, when you’re gay people often seem to
assume that you are single. They
don’t even ask usually. Just
assume. And I’m not. Okay? I’m not
single. I’m not partnered, because
I hate the word. It also
suggests a level of commitment that scares me. This isn’t because I am gay but because I am a man like many
men who fears various levels of commitment. To be clear, my boyfriend is not my partner. I’m not in business with anyone, but
I’m not single.
But if I WAS single, I wouldn’t be interested in whatever
mess you’ve decided must be right for me.
In my experience it’s usually some straight girl trying to
be helpful even though the best way for her to be helpful is to mind her own
business. She means well. The effort has an element of love in
it, which is cute. It’s still
annoying. Stop trying to fix us
up!
Usually the story unfolds as such. You will be out with your girl space friend at a local
eatery or most likely a bar. Mid
conversation her random gay friend will just show up. What a coincidence?
At that moment I usually realize what’s going on only before it’s too
late much like having to run the mile in PE. I then constantly look for excuses
to sneak away to the bathroom and head home.
It’s usually like, “Yuri I would like you to meet Zardoc
from a galaxy far away.” She then whispers just to me, “He’s single and gay.”
On first glance Zardoc usually is a notch above repulsive
and has one of those voices that just grades on the ear. Imagine a male Fran Drescher without
the looks and lots of moles. His
face is literally green. I’m not
even sure we are the same species, let alone compatible. All I can do is roll my eyes in the
direction of my girl friend to show my lack for approval. After looking at this creature sipping
a dirty martini across from me, my next thought is, “This girl must really
think badly of me. What must she
think I look like? Bitch must think I’m a dog!”
Zardoc won’t shut up about his lame job as an Account
Executive but for some reason, he lives with his mother. He’s like every man I ever met in
Italy. He’s also wearing a
crop-top. That should be reason
enough to run. He also has a chain-wallet. I am just disgusted. There is no accounting for taste. I used to highlight my curly hair and
fro it out to look like Justin Timberlake during the *N-Sync days. I guess I am not one to talk. This dude is just not for me.
In these fix up situations generally all that matters to the
matchmaker is that he’s gay! Who cares if we have nothing in common? Sorry
people! That’s not enough! I would never fix up my straight friends using the
same train of thought. I wouldn’t
match up two random straight people just on the basis of being heterosexual and
assume it’s a match made in heaven.
That would be like, “Hey Mike, this is Esther, she is 82 and
visiting from the home, you also have corresponding genitalia.” That would never workout. Now, lesbians, yes. If I knew 2 lesbians with a U-Haul who
had similar taste in music and hardware I would consider fixing them up.
The next suggestion I have to our straight girl friends is
when you do meet out men, boyfriends, partners, twinks, boy-toys, husbands or
whatever you want to call them please listen to the following. DO NOT ask “are you sure he’s
gay?” I know you don’t realize the
insinuation but you are indirectly saying that he’s too good for my kind. And YES he IS gay. I have taken the car for a test drive
and your powers don’t work here.
Get over it. I would never
go up to you and say, “girl, your man is nice. You sure he straight?” I would never say that to your face. I may think it, but I wouldn’t be so
rude.
Next time, lets not embarrass Zardoc. Lets just stick with
people watching, drinking and talking about life!
