bits I'm working on.

I wish I was famous, so that I too could lie about how I lost weight.  All these celebrities lie all the time!

Jennifer Hudson – first off, you look awful.  You look like a characature of yourself.  I’m always afraid the wind will blow and you’ll fall over.  Weight watchers? Really? More like Dr’s orders?

Star Jones is a great example. For years she said she lost weight with just diet and exercise.  Years later she admits it was infact gastric bypass… 

Kelly Osborne lost like 75 pounds.  Looks great.  I saw this interview with her where when asked how she lost the weight she was like, lots of water…  say what?  Water?  Wtf is in your water and I want it!  Leeches?  I’m not above it.  I’ll try anything to stay thin.

 I used to be fat.  As a kid I was so fat I was what was eating Gilbert Grape.  I had to shop in the husky section as a kid.  Husky section, that’s a fucked up name for a boy’s clothing section.  Women’s plus size clothing is always nicer, empowering, like “women’s world.” Or “big and beautiful”… with us it’s just husky.  Instead of the husky section, they should call it the “you wont be able to find your penis until you turn 30 section.”  Or the “you’ll be wearing a shirt to the pool until you sophomore year of college-section.

I was desperate to lose weight.  I did every diet.  Sugar busters, cabbage soup, the Hollywood diet, atkin’s and my favorite, the candy diet.  It was amazing.  12 little malt ball, m&m like candys for breakfast, 12 for lunch and if you make it to dinner without passing out your good.  It doesn’t make sense.  Giving a fat person what makes them fat is like giving a junky in rehab Charlie sheen as a sponsor, a needle and some hos.

One time I was so desperate to lose weight I was on this trip with my cousin Nicole.  She was trying to quit smoking, we both wanted to lose weight.  Then we found these chips that were on the market at the time, “WOW chips”. The label said guilt-free, so we were sold.  We’re Jewish, telling us something is guilt-free is like telling us you’ve discovered magic.  Needless to say, we had about 30 portions, then spent the next 2 days in our hotel room shitting our brains out.  Those chips were later recalled for causing anal leakage.  The point is, I looked great!  When people ask me how I lost the truth I tell the truth: self-loathing, anal-leakage and using the stairmaster like I was running from the gustapo.

______________

Now I am a Personal Trainer cause I like to help other people hate themselves just as much as I do.

I love helping people and the job but sometimes I get these clients who are ridiculous.  I had this woman the other day.  She was like, “how do I get rid of that fat that leaks out of my bra, under the arms? Ew.”

It’s like bitch, you’re 90 pounds, that’s skin! The only way to get rid of that is to cut it off… want me to get a knife?

____________________

As a Trainer, I often work with Wholefoods. They have this huge sign that says “Wholefoods, health within reach.”

Who’s fucking reach is it? The people who can shop at whole foods can hire people to reach the food they want there!  Not once have I seen once of those signs like the once at 7-11, Burger King, Safeway… that says “Wholefoods we accept EBT.”  They do though at the register have this little sign in TINY, tiny font that says “anyone using EBT will get free shopping bags with purchase.” Fuck you wholefoods!

Wholefoods sells organic condoms.  What are they sponsored by the Chatholic Church?  Condoms are the one thing no one wants to be organic…If anything radio active would be better.  I could see the commercials.  "Want condoms that protect against unwanted pregnancies, HIV, crabs and makes your junk glow? It’s like a rave in the sack!  Side effects include: possible glowing penis, growth of a second vagina and hair on your tongue."