losing weight comedy bit quick write.

    I wish I was famous if only to be able to lie about how I lost weight.  Celebrities lie about how they lost weight all the time.  Star Jones said it was pilates and some other bullshit, years later admits to gastric-bypass.  Jennifer Hudson lost a shit-load of weight and then expects us to believe it was all from Weight watchers?  I dont know if I should applaud her or pluck her arm off to clean out my teeth.  She looks hungry.  I once saw an interview with Kelly Osborne where she claims she just exercises more and drinks a lot of water.  Unless there is a tapeworm in that water I don't buy it.

    I was a fat kid.  Growing up I WAS what was eating Gilbert Grape!  I had to shop in the Husky section.  If you dont know what the husky section was, fuck you.  It was a section for little fat boys to get their square cut clothing.

    I was on every fucking diet.  Sugar Busters, slim-fast, cabbage poop, the candy diet...  You name it, I tried it.  The candy diet was cool because it's the diet where you give someone with a weight problem to have a license to keep having that problem with 10 m&m-like candies for breakfast, 10 for lunch and if you make it to dinner without snapping, a sensible dinner.  When people ask me how I lost the weight I tell the goddamned truth, self-loathing, contempt and lots of stair-master.  I use the stairs like i'm running from the gustapo.

   I once was so desperate to loose those few extra pounds this one time.  The first time I went to NYC. My cousin Nicole was pretending to quit smoking so our relatives would stop nagging her.  We bought a "guilt-free" treat "WOW" chips.  Remember those?  They were made with synthetic fat so they were fat-free?  Not reading the label, mostly cause we were starving, we at about 30 servings.  We were raised by jews, we felt guilty at 15 servings so we didn't quit.  Needless to say we spent the next 2 days shitting our brains out.  The WOW chips were later taken off the market for causing sever anal leakage.  On the bright side, we looked thin!

    Eventually I lost the weight and kept it off.  Then entered my phantom fat, I call him Wilber.  He is the one that makes me get snappy whenever anyone asks me what I'm eating.  I usually respond with a quick (shouted) "mind ya' business!"

    The worst is that person who counts your servings.  "Yuri, you're eating again?  What is that number 5?  Can you at least keep it on the table?"

    No one should ever watch me eat.  When I eat I tend to tune out and nothing else matters but the food.

     So, these days I am a Personal Trainer so I could teach others how to hate themselves. At this job we often work with Whole Foods where they apparently have a slogan.  "Health within reach."  Who's reach?  The only people who can afford to shop at whole foods can reach whatever the fuck they want.  Not once have i gone to a Whole foods and seen a "we accept EBT" sign but Burger King, Mc Donalds even the corner store have it written in huge letters...  (more coming soon... where to go with this?....)