New comedy bits dump

We've all heard that "Honesty is the bet policy."  Whoever said that is a putz.  How can we say that honesty is the best policy when botox is a multi-million dollar thing?  No one ever got laid from being honest... but for generations women have been buying the whole I'm allergic to latex bullshit.  I think that's why straight men are jealous of gay men.  When they look at your women they can tell them what they ACTUALLY look like in their jeans!  We were meant to lie.  NO ONE IS HONEST AT INTERVIEWS.  Not once have I gone to an interview and when asked where I saw myself in 10 years said, "well if suicide doesn't work and the lotto doesn't happen, firing your ass...."  No one trusts the person that's honest too often.  We've all met that guy.  It's like a black eye, no one believe's it's origin's... basically what I'm saying is next time your bf, gf, wife, partner, whatever ask you the annoying question of "what ya' thinking?"  Lie through your fucking teeth.

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I work as a Personal Trainer for a living and often we work with Wholefoods.  At one of their Propaganda meetings there was a slogan said, "whole foods, health within reach."  Who's reach?  Not once have I seen a sign there that says, "we accept EBT".

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Ever walk through san francisco with a pregnant woman.  They have they permanently look like they smell farts... still working on this one...

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i used to be fat, I have what I call phantom fat, i call him sheman.  I was on every diet, sugar busters, atkins, slim fast, cabbage poop... what do all of these diets have in common? they make you shit... I should have just eaten ex-lax and called it a day...