Wednesday, May 2, 2012

Comedy Bit FREEWrite

I went to a bar over the weekend. When I first walk in there is a guy arguing with the poor bartender.

The bartender keeps saying, "buddy, I think you've had enough."

 The guy arguing with the bartender is swaying back and forth. He's what I call "Woo" drunk. This is where someone is super drunk and keeps yelling, "WHOOOO" for no fucking reason, like it's some frat party.

Anyway, the dude is like, "man,just one more, it's cool, cause I'm Irish." Then he yells "Woooo!"

Why do we always have to claim our most negative stereotypes as a get out of jail card? People use their culture as an excuse all the time, "it's cool, I'm Irish" or "I'm Russian, where's my shot?"

First off, people that claim their shit like that... You're not Irish just cause 3 generations back you're grandfather liked to beat his wife. You're as Irish as the 'Lucky Charms' lepricaun!

Someone who's Asian doesn't get into a car accident and go. "Sorry man, you know what they say." That would be stupid.

Whenever I go to any bar or a friend's house. The second they hear my name, they go "Yuri? Russian? Want some vodka?" It's not their faults they stereotype for us. It's our fault as Russians that we have created this image of ourselves. In Russian, there is no word for alcoholic. We just say, "hey look. It's Tuesday again."

The other thing that happened at the bar was about 2 drinks in, this guy makes eyes at me from across the bar. He walks up to me, smiles and says hi and, "you must be tired..."

I cut him off him right there. I said, "I must be tired from running through your mind all night? I've heard this line before and let me stop you right there." I then touch myself on the shoulder and make as "TSSSsss" noise like like sizzling bacon.

He takes beat and then says, "no man, you just look tired."

They say black don't crack. Jews, we crack, we crumble, we turn into George Castanza's father. We ARE the reason Botox was invented!

I went shopping and this stranger opened her purse and offered me eye cream, it was weird because I was at home depot. I know, a straight woman at home depot?!

This doctor told me, "Yuri, once we get rid of the bad under your eyes lets get you on some Propecia to keep your hair? Their new ad campaign reads: as long as there is Ryan Seacrest, there will be Propecia." It was odd because he wasn't even my doctor, just a guy sitting next to me at the bar who happened to be a doctor.

I must be getting older, I left the bar without even finishing my 3rd drink. 21-year old me would kickmyself.

I think my grandma had it right. She has had her face lifted so many times that her forehead starts at her neckline!

Her face has had more plastic in it than Jenna Jameson!

Parts of her are so young R.Kelly once hit on her! Now all my friends are having kids!

They always text me photos of their little shits. "Isn't he cute? We can't tell if he is smiling or has gas."

I respond with a picture of my 10-pound dog wearing a shirt that says, "bitches have more fun."

They get pissed. "Yuri, you wouldn't understand, cause you're not a parent!"

Why wouldn't understand cause I have free time? What the fuck? Then they use that line for stuff that has nothing to do with being a parent....


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