Friday, March 2, 2012

Bit I'm working on. I was a fatty!

Hey ya'all! I lost 35 pounds!... It was about 8 years ago, but I digress!

I always was big kid. I was so cubby growing up I WAS what was eating Gilbert Grape! I was so chubby that finding my neck was harder than finding Waldo. Growing up "pleasantly plump" was hard. I was teased a lot for being the chubby kid in class. One bitch Monica Monesco, at recess would constantly say, "hey Yuri, get a thigh-master." I have no idea where she is now, but hopefully on her third divorce. Hey Monica, who needs the thigh-master now?

It was hard growing up big. While most kids could shop where ever they wanted, I had to shop in the "Husky" section. If you never had the pleasure of visiting the Husky section or don't know what it is, fuck you. This was where little cherubic boys like myself had to shop. There was nothing more embarassing than walking right past the cool clothing and heading straight to the Husky section with my mother Every piece of clothing there looked like they were better suited for Pillow People rather than an actual human boy. The name HUSKY SECTION always tripped me up. They would never call a girl's clothing section, "the retaining water section." Women's-lib people wouldn't stand for it. They may as well have called it the "you wont be able to find your penis to masterbate section." Or the "you'll be wearing a T-shirt at the pool until you turn 20 section." Or at least a name that made more sense and was less offensive like the "little Danny DeVito section."

One day I want to be famous so I could lie about how I lost the weight. Celebrities always seem to lie about how they lost the weight! Like Star jones. She went from Jabba the hut to skin and bones within a few months. I was hoping she had a meth habit. She then says it was pilates, water and excercies. Then a few months later we find out she had gastric-bypass.

Kelly Osborne went from Winnie the Pooh to Piglet in a matter of months. In interviews she said it was diet, excercise and "lots of water." What the fuck was in her water?

Now, more recently, Jennifer Hudson. I loved her fat. She was representing. Now she became so skinny I didn't know whether to applaud her, or pull off one of her arms and clean my teeth with it. She claimed to loose it the natural way. Natural, my ass... Naturally writing a check!

I'm sick of celebs lying about how they lost the weight! See, when people ask me, I tell them the truth! I lost they weight with a steady diet of self-loathing, contempt. It was very simple!

Sometimes people ask me, they say "Yuri, how did you get the muscle?" I often lie and tell them steroids. This way, I can attribute my anger issues to Roid Rage.

It's wierd, I somehow lost the weight and gained a vendictive side. Go figure. I am thin now, but in my head I have this phantom fat which will never go away. Nothing makes an ex-fat kid happier than logging on to facebook and watching the kids who made fun of them get fat and settle!

Not sure where to take this rant and if this would even work on stage... any ideas or suggestions for direction?

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