Coming out to a Jewish mother

People who encounter me aren’t blind or deaf… Whenever they meet me they always want to hear the quintessential coming out story. Why do we all have to have a compelling coming out story? Who the fuck cares?

It’s always some blonde bitch named Lexi who asks with an overly concerned and confused look on their face. “What was it like comingggg oooout? (pant, exhale) It must have been soooo diiificuuult.”

Not every gay person’s life are like episodes of Ellen. My life is not an after school special, I wish I could be that lucky!

What most non-Jews seem to not understand is that with Jews, we have so many issues, being gay isn’t really at the top of our list of “issues,” so to speak. It’s somewhere in the middle and our mothers are hovering over, somewhere at the top.

For those who have never encountered a Jewish mother, they are lucky. A Jewish mother is like Acne, they tell you that shit will go away, but it just lingers on… and on. You can use all the Pro-Active in the world and she won’t stop nagging!

Back to coming out! When I came out to my mother, I was about 20 years old. I took a deep breath, marched on over to her and as I was about to tell her she couldn’t be bothered. Like many Jewish mothers, she was too busy working on her weekly Jew report. Every week she has to update me on her favorite Jew of the week.

Finally, I built up the courage to interrupt her as she informed me about the disappointment when she found out Robyn Williams wasn’t Jewish. Right when I was about to say it, she has to interrupt me.

“I know, I know flagella… okay, god made you the way you are, just remember one thing.”

She then said what I call the Jewish Mantra.

“If you don’t have Jewish children, Hitler won!”

Who the fuck says that? My mother does, that’s who. Years later I introduced her to my first boyfriend… What a treat that was. I introduce him in conversation and by showing my mother a picture of him.

She instantly yelled, in her subtle Russian accent, and at an octave level that could make dogs cry, “OH MY GOD! MEXICAN!”

I flash a Kathy Lee Gifford smile and say, “No mom, he’s Israeli!”

“Oh! I LOVE him! He soooo beautiful and Jewish!”

At least that stopped her sending me JDate profiles! Before I had the BF, she would send me 3-4 emails a week of elidgable JDate guys.

I would say “Mom, he’s 55, fat and in jail!”

She would smile and say, “He won’t cheat and he Jewish!”