Whenever people meet me, they always seem confused when they find out that I am Russian. Which is odd, since my name is Yuri Kagan. Big surprise. Sorry I don't generally wear track suits.
Being Russian, made for a difficult time growing up. While most kids got peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, I got chest hair at the age of 5... It was awkward. As a child I would always introduce myself to people and the second they would find out I was Russian they would instantly ask if I spoke German. It was odd.
To this day, when people first hear my name, I often get the stereotypical response, "where are Boris and Natasha?" I never know how to respond.
What if I responded this way? "Glad you asked. Boris knocked her up, is trying to convince Natasha to get an abortion. She doesn't want to... It's really uncomfortable for everyone involved... Oh, you meant the fictitious cartoon character from Bullwinkle? I don't know whats up with them asshole." Too much?
Being Russian is hard. I'm pail-skinned, light... My people aren't meant to be in the sun. I go in the sun and I ignite. I also hate anything that results in sweating. I hate hot weather, you won't ever hear about me moving to Miami beach to soak up the humidity and sun with all the other yiddishy punims ever. What people don't know about Russians is that our sweat is different than most people's. When I sweat, I naturally secrete this weird cheap cologne smell. Some call it Drakkar Noir.
Whenever I am at a comedy show, doing what I do, which is stand up, I will often ask if there are any Russians in the crowd. There is always the American person who raises their hand to start bragging about how they are Russian too, 5 generations back, once removed... That's cute and all, but makes no sense. Unless you know what it's like to grow up with parents who scare people and take almost everything seriously, you are not Russian and that's okay. Oh yeah, and you'd have to know what it's like to take a lunch to school comprised of a butter, caviar and pickle sandwich.
Being Russian is like being a bastard, society is only recently starting to accept it. That was just a bad joke, please don't take anything I say seriously.... In all seriousness it was hard being raised by people straight from the Soviet Union. When I would go to bed, as a small child I was afraid of the dark, monsters and stuff like that. I was a pansy. I would ask my grandmother to leave the light on. She would respond, "Yurachka, sveetzheartz, no monsters momma, no monsters... only people who take away people you love in the middle of night to NEVER SEE AGAIN..." And people wonder why I have such a sick sense of humor.
(more Russian stuff to come)
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