Ryder Strong

Like many young kids, I went through a phase where I would compulsively lie about everything. At 6, when my mother asked me who drew the large mural in permanent maker and scratch and sniff markers on the door I told her what happened. I explained that it was my best friend at the time and that I let him do it because I could see that it was his only way of making up for his dead-beat father not being in his life. I told her that it would be horrible for me to stifle his creativity. The truth was, I drew it myself while that friend had passed out after a sugar rush on top of a pile of toys in my room with a push pop melted all over his face.

I wasn't lying exactly all the time. I would just stretch the truth so much that I wasn't sure when I was doing it. I often would create elaborate stories when the truth was too dull or boring. As a budding 11-teen year old, friends would always ask me who I had a crush on. Instead of picking one of the girls in my class or someone who was actually obtainable, I would quickly tell people about my love for Alyssa Milano. While most 6th grade boys would go straight for talking about a chick's jugs or other assets, I found their descriptions boring. I would tell other boys about how Alyssa Milano's portrayal of Sam on "Who's the Boss," was believable always made me want to be good friends with Jonathon and eventually work at Angela Bower's Ad Agency and eventually leave to start my own firm and marry Sam. Eventually I needed to add more lucky ladies to my list, so Tiffany Amber Thiessen was added to the list and then Tapanga from "Boy Meets World."

At camps and sleepovers there was always that point. The time when fart jokes, shadow puppets and dirty jokes learned from other boy's fathers would make it into the picture. This was also the time when we would touch on the topic of who liked who. I would only talk about my "crushes" when I absolutely had to because I wasn't too. I would oddly get sweaty and nervous whenever the topic would turn to me and some douche would ask who Yuri liked. I felt for some reason like I was getting interrogated and wasn't sure why. Years later I would realize the truth of the fact that I always have been a big 'mo. The truth of the issue was that while Alyssa Milano was gorgeous and magically went from some tits to a full rack after playing Sam, I imagined her more as a sister and actually wanted to pay doctor with Jonathon. The only reason I loved Tiffany Amber Thiessen was because she went for years playing Zack's girlfriend on TV and in the back of my head imagined Zack leaving her for me. Then when it came to Tapanga, I really had no interest in her at all. I would for years have a secret obsession with Ryder Strong that I would document in the years of Tiger Beat Magazines I hid under my bead, next to the YM with JTT on it. The reason I liked Ryder Strong wasn't even him really. It was his hair. I always wanted things I couldn't have. I spent most of my teens trying to grow my hair to his length so I too could have that mid-90s hair behind the ears hair cut that would eventually prove impossible for my jew-fro of a head.

I'm not sure where this rant is going, or why I am talking about my crushes as a child. I did though, just realize that the only reason my hair is in it's current, long, frizz ball of a head that it is, it because of this stupid Ryder Strong obsession that will never happen with my jew head.