Stop tryin' to fix us up!

In my experience, when you’re gay people often seem to assume that you are single.  They don’t even ask usually.  Just assume.  And I’m not. Okay? I’m not single.  I’m not partnered, because I hate the word.   It also suggests a level of commitment that scares me.  This isn’t because I am gay but because I am a man like many men who fears various levels of commitment.  To be clear, my boyfriend is not my partner.  I’m not in business with anyone, but I’m not single. 

But if I WAS single, I wouldn’t be interested in whatever mess you’ve decided must be right for me.

In my experience it’s usually some straight girl trying to be helpful even though the best way for her to be helpful is to mind her own business.  She means well.  The effort has an element of love in it, which is cute.  It’s still annoying.  Stop trying to fix us up!

Usually the story unfolds as such.  You will be out with your girl space friend at a local eatery or most likely a bar.  Mid conversation her random gay friend will just show up.  What a coincidence?  At that moment I usually realize what’s going on only before it’s too late much like having to run the mile in PE. I then constantly look for excuses to sneak away to the bathroom and head home.

It’s usually like, “Yuri I would like you to meet Zardoc from a galaxy far away.” She then whispers just to me, “He’s single and gay.”

On first glance Zardoc usually is a notch above repulsive and has one of those voices that just grades on the ear.  Imagine a male Fran Drescher without the looks and lots of moles.  His face is literally green.  I’m not even sure we are the same species, let alone compatible.  All I can do is roll my eyes in the direction of my girl friend to show my lack for approval.  After looking at this creature sipping a dirty martini across from me, my next thought is, “This girl must really think badly of me.  What must she think I look like? Bitch must think I’m a dog!”

Zardoc won’t shut up about his lame job as an Account Executive but for some reason, he lives with his mother.  He’s like every man I ever met in Italy.  He’s also wearing a crop-top.  That should be reason enough to run. He also has a chain-wallet. I am just disgusted.  There is no accounting for taste.  I used to highlight my curly hair and fro it out to look like Justin Timberlake during the *N-Sync days.  I guess I am not one to talk.  This dude is just not for me.

In these fix up situations generally all that matters to the matchmaker is that he’s gay! Who cares if we have nothing in common? Sorry people! That’s not enough! I would never fix up my straight friends using the same train of thought.  I wouldn’t match up two random straight people just on the basis of being heterosexual and assume it’s a match made in heaven. 

That would be like, “Hey Mike, this is Esther, she is 82 and visiting from the home, you also have corresponding genitalia.”   That would never workout.  Now, lesbians, yes.  If I knew 2 lesbians with a U-Haul who had similar taste in music and hardware I would consider fixing them up.

The next suggestion I have to our straight girl friends is when you do meet out men, boyfriends, partners, twinks, boy-toys, husbands or whatever you want to call them please listen to the following.  DO NOT ask “are you sure he’s gay?”  I know you don’t realize the insinuation but you are indirectly saying that he’s too good for my kind.  And YES he IS gay.  I have taken the car for a test drive and your powers don’t work here.  Get over it.  I would never go up to you and say, “girl, your man is nice. You sure he straight?”  I would never say that to your face.  I may think it, but I wouldn’t be so rude.

Next time, lets not embarrass Zardoc. Lets just stick with people watching, drinking and talking about life!