More on Marriage...

As a standup comic we are always striving for new material that really intrigues our interest. Right now, ideally, my current goal is to create a "solid 10" on marriage. This is something that sounds simple, but for comedians can take weeks, months and sometimes up to a year depending on the topic. The following is a rant relative to the topics I'm working on.

I don't get marriage. I don't get what straight dudes say about it. "Let gays get married, so they could be just as unhappy as everyone else."

It's not about marriage, it's about rights!

I should have the same rights as anyone else to force 4 of my best friends to wear, 4 of the ugliest bride's-maid's dresses ever made.

I as a gay man, I should be able to not only make the center-pieces, but take them home from MY own god damned wedding.

It's about rights!

I should have the right to be the next Anna Nicole Smith, may she rest in peace, minus the pills.

We all know an affair isn't fun if you're unmarried!

I should have the same right as anyone else to be a complete and utter disappointment to my Jewish mother because I am on my way to thirty, and unmarried.

Oh, yeah. You know how difficult it is to have a Jewish mother? A Jewish mother is like acne, or in MY case since my mother is Russian, it's like acne in leopard print heals. They tell you that shit will go away, but it just lingers on.... and on... You can use all the ProActive Jessica Simpson can sell and she won't stop nagging.

People talk about marriage like it's something the rest of us haven't figured out. Like having a kid. Anyone could have sex without a condom and get pregnant... I guess not all of us... I guess that's a bad joke... That's how some of us get AIDS... Too soon?

People say that everything is ruining marriage! In American fashion, lets blame everyone else for our problems. It's the gays, it's the government, it's double sided-sticky-tape.

How the fuck are gays ruining marriage? If it wasn't for us, no one would ever believe you're wife could pull off white. And really the only time white looks good, is on implants.

Marriage is an important commitment like adopting a cute doggie. It's what, a 3-5 years of your life? The only difference is that you can't have your husband put to sleep for humping your neighbor.

Essentially what I'm saying is that I have no desire to get married. It do though want the right to leave someone at the alter.

I think that getting married is like planning a car-accident that you've invited all your friends to, that takes 5-years to go down.

The second people find out that I'm a Mary who doesn't want to marry, they start pushing it on me. Marriage is something that should sell itself. I don't get why these marriage pushers always sound like used car salesmen trying to unload a lemon.
Sounds like:
"Step right up, she's a beaut! She will take you from point A to point B and after a while for some reason she won't need much servicing but she will need a SHIT_LOAD more gas, cause that's the only way she will be able to fuck you. she is great, but no test-driving or looking under the hood. The fine print? It just says that you can't test drive any other cars. Its doesn't matter if they feel better to sit in, hug the turns and still have their shinny hubcaps. And it's for LIFE. Sign here?"

My mother says you can't talk ill of the institution of marriage. This coming from a woman that had no problem getting chair-lifted by a group of drunk Jews at her weddings. Who thought that custom up anyway? Take the weakest people and have them doing something that dangerous. Another reason I used to wish I was black. This way, people would look at me and say "oh, him? he could be athletic."

What is is it about marriage that instantly turns people into assholes? They make you watch their wedding slide show cause apparently my friends are from 1978. Wedding sideshows and picture albums are only used to keep score, see who died, went to rehab or made a fool of themselves. What if I forced you to watch slides of me in Cancun on at a gay resort? “This is me with my friend, I think his name was rico, this is me eating enchiladas and shrimp, here’s me getting sick.”


I think we should make it simple. I don't think anyone should ever get married. If you do, don't complain to your wedding planner or power-lesbian boss. Doing so is like being that guy who complained about getting laid in high school while the rest of us just lied about it.

If it doesn't make it past 3-years, i want my money back for that $100 pillow-case I had to buy you. After the wedding you get thank you card that say "oh, how did you know what I wanted?" It was on that stupid registry. Where is my registry for going to college, having goals, aspirations and living in sin? There should be cops on every block forcing people considering leaving their wives before the 3-year mark that force them back home to make love to their wives. Oh yeah, get the government more involved to protect marriage.

Last point is this. Marriage is ridiculous. The rhymes we are told to keep us from having sex before marriage are even more stupid. "Why would you buy the cow, if you could get the milk for free?" Why the fuck would you ever buy a cow? What happens if you save it until marriage just to find out your milk is all curdled up? Or that you're partner is lactose and tolerant? Even worse, they spit like a $2 whore.