Top or Bottom... How about you're just GAY?
It’s funny how gay culture boils the world down to a few select categories. There is top, bottom, gay, straight and that’s about it. For some reason, gays always seem to want straight men to be gay or they want to be more like the straight antithesis of themselves… It’s ironic how being more “straight-acting” or a “total top” are titles that oddly attract us to each other. When I’m working, when I go out, I see these terms thrown about all the time as though they really correctly define a person’s character or even sexual prowess.
Since working at the bar, I have been going out a lot more. Being 21, I am sure has something to do with it. At every gay bar I go to, I see the same scenario play out over and over again. It’s like hearing Madonna’s “Just like a Prayer,” I can’t stop listening to it after the first chord. I have to listen to the song in it’s entirety, until I end up lip-sinking to myself.
I just don’t get it. I will be out alone, or with friends. I will approach a hot guy or at least someone I see as hot while comfortably in my beer goggles, and break the ice with some random small talk. I have become a master at this part. It usually starts with a “do I know you from somewhere?” Or “I don’t know if we have met before, but you look really familiar. Anyways, what’s your name?” Another that always works is being surprisingly straight-forward with a question like, “what’s your name and story? Boyfriend, sugar daddy, wife or maybe you’re actually a woman?” They always are a bit put off by this route, but at the same time, it’s an unusual way of initiating interaction, so it also keeps them intrigued for at least a few seconds unless the guy proves to be a complete asshole. Regardless of how we start talking, and who initiates it trying to mingle and see what he is all about. Inevitably they always find a way to cut to the chase as well, a little, this is something that I always get a bit turned off by. It’s usually near the beginning of the conversation. We will be chatting through the evening or the 30 minutes that I am at that bar, when somehow the conversation will quickly shift to this topic. It’s like watching a Lifetime movie, we all know that most of them end the same way. We always optimistically watch and hope that this time it will actually be an empowering ending instead of making us want to lock our doors out of fear of getting raped.
A guy will work into a conversation a statement, which lets you know that they are a “total top.” Often in my experience, it is a Latin guy who says this. I think Latin men feel the need to say this because of Catholic guilt of some goy issues that I as a Jew can’t get my head around. They say it as though it’s their blanket or they are reassuring themselves, when I never asked, nor care. For straights that don’t get where this is going it’s like this… It’s like when you are talking to a girl, boy, sheep or whatever your preference is and quickly the person has to mention that they are in a relationship. It’s just jumping the gun.
For the non-gay-literate, a “top” is the part of the gay puzzle that puts their penis into their partner. When a man uses the term “total top” they are telling you that they don’t take it in the butt under any circumstances. This also translates in another way. It’s like they are saying that they are less gay by not taking it in the ass, which is ridiculous and it also screams of insecurity. Gay is gay. Top, or bottom, you’re gay. While sexual compatibility is important, to mention someone’s sexual preferences too early in conversation also assumes too much about the situation. It assumes that I am planning to have sex with them. If we are going to have sex at some point, lets be honest, it will happen regardless cause I’m easy. They don’t need to explain their positional preference right off the bat. It takes away some of the magic. I assume they think that keeping with the title makes them less gay and more like their straight counterparts… Not sure where this story is going…
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